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The decision to go back to school I have to admit wasn't easy. As excited as I was this first day... this wasn't always the case. With the economy being what it is right now, it really didn't make any sense for me to return to school. In all honesty in my heart I felt that I should be working. I felt that I should be contributing to my family. I am a perfectly able body...I should be doing something to benefit my family financially...Right?
That was my gut instinct. And most likely what most people in my position might think. The thought of putting work aside, just didn't make sense to me. So I prayed. I knew that if I was really to go back to school, I would need to dig deep into my heart and ask God what my next step should be.
When making a decision that shifts your life in a completely different direction, it tends to take a toll on you. It weighs on you, consumes your thoughts, it exists in everything you do. You become very heavy with this burden of decision. This is how I knew that this was something beyond me. I would love to say that in prayer immediately everything made sense, but that simply isn't true. I struggled with many things. I wrestled with the idea of financially being able to swing me not working, as well as paying for college on top of that. I struggled with the idea that perhaps this decision would distance me from the industry that I have grown to love and the friends around the world that I treasure. Would I still have time to be a mom, clean my house, even make dinner? My mind and body were weighed with insecurities, fears and doubts yet I continued in prayer and meditation. Prayer for me has been a vital part of my sanity. I can not imagine holding all of these thoughts and feelings that I just mentioned inside of me. Prayer is my way of releasing them, and although the fears and feelings may return... I continue to pray knowing that in time it will all make sense.
In the midst of all of this one day it finally just clicked in me. My perspective changed (something that I desired and prayed for). My perspective of seeing this decision as a personal decision suddenly became a family one. I think I have always associated my schooling as such a personal journey since my first experience with school I ventured on my own. This time around I was reminded that I was not alone.
At this point I realized that this was not something I was doing for myself, yet pursuing for the betterment of myself and my family. My perspective became clearer. I suddenly understood the long term plan and all of the benefits it had to offer. I think it is human of us to slowly allow our peripheral vision to close in and tunnel. The unknown is enough to make any clear thoughts foggy. The hardest part is holding on to those truths that define us and light our path. It is a constant struggle, yet a worthy one.
I was meant to go back to school. It is what I am to do at this moment in my life. As wrong as it might seem to make such a sudden change, it is exactly what I need to be doing right now. I have described this feeling to be like running on a tight rope, It is what I am supposed to do, so I am going to do it with all my might. Although I should be scared, I am not. I may falter, I may alter the course along the way... but I know this is where my path has lead me.
It is hard sometimes to express all of the emotion that goes along with making life decisions, but I hope you find comfort in reading this, knowing that you are not alone. There might be magic stirring in your heart right now. Magic that only you can give to this world. Make sure you pay attention to it and earnestly seek the truth. You were made to do good things, it is never to late...never ever (Mel, I will always remember these words!). I guess the bottom line is to allow yourself to listen to that desire you have been tucking away in your heart. Even if you don't act on it now. Don't let it fade. Keep it present in your day, so that when the time is right... that desire will become a beautiful plan.
*Edited: If you didn't see the giveaway I announced on my last post. Make sure to check it out :)
Thanks for stopping by today :)